Tuesday, June 16, 1998

If someone parks too close to my Triumph, I’ll strap on a bomb and head for Quincy Market!

The heedless and palpable disregard for the safety of others, in most places on this Earth, is the definition of gross negligence. In Boston, it is the definition of the way the majority of people handle their automobiles.

There are plenty of Bostonians out there who think that this reprehensible behavior adds to the charm of the colonial armpit. These are the same people who are willing to sue a car manufacturer for not being able to turn off the airbag. But hell, if they can’t read road signs, why should anyone expect that they’d be able to read an instruction manual, a warning, or exercise the most minute amount of common sense.

If you have any doubts about these claims, stand at the corner of Commercial and Washington Streets at 8:30 in the morning. You could finance the booze bill for an Irish wedding in a three-hour ticket-writing spree.

The ultimate driving experience in this fair city is to be on a motorcycle surrounded by steel-encased psychopaths in New England’s equivalent to the movie Thunderdome. A short cruise around town would even turn Mother Theresa into a punk-ass bitch.

So, the Transmetropolitan Biker’s new coping mechanism is unconditional rage. Lock and load baby, and let the craziest motherfucker rule.

I am not endorsing road rage, the acting out of anger from behind the wheel of the family station wagon. Nope. I am suggesting that after you have put me in the zone of danger by cutting me off, tailgating, or pulling one of those famous left hand turns from the right hand lanes, I’m going to park an enormous fertilizer bomb under a nursery! Hell, if someone parks too close to my Triumph, I’ll strap on a bomb and head for Quincy Market!

When you read about the suicide bomber, the clock-tower sniper, or a gunman on the subway in next week’s Boston Globe, you will know that they were all bikers mowing disrespectful drivers down like so many slats in a picket fence. We tried to influence the collective conscious with smart little slogans such as "Motorcycles are Everywhere." We tried old-fashioned consideration too. It was a flop. And when you fail to win with reason and common sense, Transmetropolitan Bikers will simply resort to ultra-violence. After all, an affirmative defense to murder is self preservation.


The failure of motorists to detect and recognize motorcycles in traffic is the predominating cause of motorcycle accidents. The driver of the other vehicle involved in collision with the motorcycle did not see the motorcycle before the collision, or did not see the motorcycle until too late to avoid the collision.

The most frequent accident configuration is the motorcycle proceeding straight then the automobile makes a left turn in front of the oncoming motorcycle.

Intersections are the most likely place for the motorcycle accident, with the other vehicle violating the motorcycle right-of-way, and often violating traffic controls.